If there was a fly on the wall in my home today I think it would have stamped my ticket to hell faster than the devil himself. Some of the highlights that came out of my mouth today included:
"It's a good thing you're cute, otherwise I would have killed you by now."
"Dave, do you think there's something wrong with her? "
"Why can't you be like other babies?"
"She's both the reason why I want to live and why I want to live no more."
"I hate my life."
I know by now you're probably thinking that I'm the worst mom ever, and I probably am, but I'm willing to bet that I'm not the first or last mom to utter such horrible things about such an innocent little being. The truth of the matter is that being a parent is hard work. So hard in fact that unless you have kids, you can't grasp how life-altering the experience is. Having kids is something that many people work towards. We go to school, work on our careers, get married, gain some measure of financial stability and then have kids. It seems like a logical progression, right? Right. This is the way our society operates after all. The problem, however, is that by the time we get to the 'having kids' stage, we've been alive for a really long time. So long that we've grown accustomed to our lives. Dave and I dated for 6 years before getting married and then after being married for 3 years we had Daphne. That's 9 years of habits. 9 years of date nights, late nights, sleep-ins and spontaneous and awesome memories. We pretty much did whatever we wanted when we wanted. Then along came Daphne and it was all over.
I'll never forget the day I realized just how life-altering having a baby was. I was sitting in our glider, Daphne just a few days old lay asleep in my arms. Dave came into the room and I looked at him and started to cry. I think at first Dave thought I was crying because I was so happy, but then I said it: "I miss you." At that moment I realized that my life as I knew it was over and that the Dave I married and the Eve he married we no more. We were parents now. We were no longer Dave and Eve, but rather we were Dave, Eve and Daphne. Daphne would get all our time and attention. When people called they wouldn't ask how we were doing, they would ask how Daphne was doing. When people stopped us to talk on the street it wasn't because they thought we seemed like good people, it's cause they thought our baby was cute. We are now invisible, we no longer get the most presents under the Christmas tree or the first hug when we get off the airplane. We don't go out for fancy dinners anymore; instead we choose restaurants based on how baby-friendly they are and not how good the food is. We are servants to this little girl named Daphne and sadly, Daphne already knows that.
She's at that age where she's starting to learn that her actions cause reactions. The man in the waiting room at the doctor's office the other day summed it up the best. When talking about his 16 month old daughter and his 4 year old son he said that the daughter gathers attention negatively whereas his son gathers attention positively. In other words, the daughter is constantly misbehaving to be noticed whereas the son gets his attention by being well-behaved. Daphne is definitely like this man's daughter. She is happiest when she's being bad. And yes, 11 month olds can be bad! When she's not biting you, she's either throwing or spitting her food at you. Tossing her bottle over and over again to see how many times you'll pick it up. Yelling if you don't give her what she wants when she wants it and crying if she doesn't get her way. Daphne is going to be a kid capable of throwing the worst temper tantrums; my goal is to never let it go that far. Wish me luck!
In addition to being bad, Daphne is also very much attached to Dave and me. She started having separation anxiety when she was 5 months old and since then it's only gotten worse. Today for example, I couldn't go to the kitchen to fill her sippy cup without her freaking out (I'm talking about a distance of 10 feet where I'm still partially visible). She screamed bloody murder every time I got up to do something and when I was playing with her she couldn't just sit there or play on her tummy, she had to either be sitting in my lap or standing up at the coffee table practicing her transitions from it to me. Now don't get me wrong, I love playing with Daphne, but I also like being able to sit back and watch her learn on her own. I also like to talk on the phone or catch up on correspondence. If that makes me a bad mom, so be it.
So long story shot, Daphne was really annoying today. I was happy to receive my first issue of Parenting, The Early Years as in it they had an article on happiness. They quoted the cover title of an issue of last year's New York magazine: "I love my children. I hate my life." I looked this article up and it's a good read. The author talks about how many studies have found that parents are less happy than their childless counterparts. At first thought, you may think that the studies are wrong, but when you really sit down and think about it, maybe parents are less happy, on the surface at least. These studies measure happiness on a day-to-day basis, where the participants answer a series of questions that measure their level of happiness. Of course parents will come off being less happy, having kids is hard and kids are annoying, let's face it! Does that mean that we're actually less happy? I'm not sure. When I think back to today in a week's time I'm not going to remember that Daphne was super annoying and caused me to say and think such horrible things, I'm going to remember that we went to the beach and sat watching the dogs play at the dog park. I'm going to remember her nestling her head in my chest for what seemed like forever and just enjoying being outside in the beautiful Vancouver weather. I'm going to remember that when Dave and I put her to bed tonight, she learned that when she turns the last page of her story book we say 'The. End.' in time, no matter how fast or slow she turns the page. Studies can't measure memories and the positive memories I have of our little family far outweigh the negative experiences I seem to have on what seems to be an almost daily basis. Does that make sense?
Apr 29, 2011
Apr 8, 2011
"To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."
Is it me or are 21st century kids a little too privileged? Hear me out: Dave and I are at home and I'm on the interweb searching all things baby. I stumble across this mom blogger who's got a post about what she calls 'lovable lunches.' These things are amazing, she uses a lunch box called "Planet Box', which is essentially an overpriced bento box. Inside she'll have stuff like sandwiches, cheese, fruits and veggies, but what makes them awesome is that she uses cookie cutters to cut the different components into shapes based on a theme. The blog post that I came upon was about her daughter being a star, so her lovable lunch had a bunch of stuff cut up into little stars. It looks amazing and if you're smart about what you put into these lovable lunches they can be deceptively healthy!
As I'm looking at all these pictures of lovable lunches I start thinking to myself that I want one. Moreover, I want one 25 years ago when I was in primary school. How cool and awesome would that have been? The closest thing I ever got (and pretty much any other kid I went to school with got) was a Lunchables (sounds like a lovable but it's really not the same). Usually though, I had a deli meat sandwich, a Handi-snack, a piece of fruit and a juice box. If I was lucky it went into a tin lunch box, but most of the time I think my mom just threw my lunches into my knapsack.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about my mom and what she sent me to school with; this was what about 90% of kids I went to school with got. What I'm talking about is this: we live in an age with the greatest of expectations. Not only do we now have to send lunches that are pieces of art with our children to preschool but the lunches have to contain a modest amount of nitrate-free meat (if any at all), organic vegetables and fruits (or at least vegetables and fruits that aren't on the 'dirty dozen' list), high fibre, whole grains, alternative proteins and absolutely NOTHING that's been processed in any way, shape or form. Our kids need to be dressed in organic cotton or bamboo clothing and furthermore, said cotton or bamboo clothing should be made in a country with equitable working conditions. It's imperative that cloth diapers are used as soon as the baby's born, until he or she is potty trained and potty training must be completed by 6 months of age. The cleaning products we use have to be entirely plant-based and our toiletries should be paraben, sodium-laurel/laureth sulfate free and free of dyes and fragrances. When disciplining our children we have to be mindful about not being too easy or too hard and we should also teach them sign language, and at least 7 other languages on top of their native language by the time they're three. In order for them to be well rounded, they need to be enrolled in one team sport, one competitive solo sport, one arts discipline and they need to have 3.5 friends (one of whom needs to be of the opposite sex and one of whom needs to be of a different ethnic background).
Reading the paragraph above you may be thinking that I'm complaining about the expectations I've listed. Setting aside the obvious amount of hyperbole, I take these expectations very seriously. I would say I take them a little too seriously, and in part I think it's because I'm a first-time mom but mostly it's because I don't want Daphne to look at me in 25 years and say "Mom, how could you?". I don't want the guilt of knowing that there was better out there for Daphne and I just chose to ignore it. And when I say better, I'm not saying it from an economical standpoint, I'm saying it from the standpoint of someone who is informed vs. someone who could be informed but isn't.
My mom didn't know better and I'm not sure that she could have. She was a new immigrant to Canada. She had three kids in three years and she worked full time (as did my dad). My parents didn't have the money to send us to daycare or enroll us in fancy sports or activities. My mom didn't have the internet to look up the nutritional info on food (the Canadian government didn't even label food the way it does now until 2003). My mom was told to formula feed us by her doctors. When she was in labour with my oldest brother, she was given an epidural without her consent. When we were born we were rushed to a nursery instead of being given the valuable skin-to-skin time that's essential for the emotional and physical nourishment of a newborn child. I could go on and on about the way me and my brothers were raised (and probably many of you reading this post) versus the way our children are being raised today and really, honestly I don't think we have the right to look at our parents and ask "How could you?". Why? Because our parents did what at the time was the equivalent to what we're doing right now: providing the best for our children.
The problem is that 'the best' for our children is so much different now. We have to accept that we're in midst of an obesity epidemic, that our cancer and depression rates are on the rise and that more and more children are being diagnosed with ADHD and diabetes than ever before. What's even worse is that we have the ability to turn all of this around simply by educating ourselves yet so many people choose not to. We live in an age of information. We can get answers to almost anything in an instant. Twenty years ago, a trip to the library and hours of research wouldn't yield the same results that someone can find in ten minutes of Google searching. We can no longer use the excuse 'but I didn't know' because we COULD have known if we wanted to. From birth to retirement and beyond, we have the ability to research to our heart's content and find information on almost anything we can think of. Yeah, we have to be smart about it; we can't just type 'how to raise a baby' in the search bar, click on the first link and call it a day. We have to learn how to use the resources available to us and know their benefits and limitations. We also have to accept that if we don't take the initiative with our children today that things will only get worse. I'm not writing this to scare you, I'm writing this because I truly believe that we can all make a difference. From avoiding nitrates in deli meats to using baby products that are safer for our children, we can make small changes that have a huge impact. Yes, the expectations upon us are great, but the reward will be even greater: happier, healthier children.
As I'm looking at all these pictures of lovable lunches I start thinking to myself that I want one. Moreover, I want one 25 years ago when I was in primary school. How cool and awesome would that have been? The closest thing I ever got (and pretty much any other kid I went to school with got) was a Lunchables (sounds like a lovable but it's really not the same). Usually though, I had a deli meat sandwich, a Handi-snack, a piece of fruit and a juice box. If I was lucky it went into a tin lunch box, but most of the time I think my mom just threw my lunches into my knapsack.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about my mom and what she sent me to school with; this was what about 90% of kids I went to school with got. What I'm talking about is this: we live in an age with the greatest of expectations. Not only do we now have to send lunches that are pieces of art with our children to preschool but the lunches have to contain a modest amount of nitrate-free meat (if any at all), organic vegetables and fruits (or at least vegetables and fruits that aren't on the 'dirty dozen' list), high fibre, whole grains, alternative proteins and absolutely NOTHING that's been processed in any way, shape or form. Our kids need to be dressed in organic cotton or bamboo clothing and furthermore, said cotton or bamboo clothing should be made in a country with equitable working conditions. It's imperative that cloth diapers are used as soon as the baby's born, until he or she is potty trained and potty training must be completed by 6 months of age. The cleaning products we use have to be entirely plant-based and our toiletries should be paraben, sodium-laurel/laureth sulfate free and free of dyes and fragrances. When disciplining our children we have to be mindful about not being too easy or too hard and we should also teach them sign language, and at least 7 other languages on top of their native language by the time they're three. In order for them to be well rounded, they need to be enrolled in one team sport, one competitive solo sport, one arts discipline and they need to have 3.5 friends (one of whom needs to be of the opposite sex and one of whom needs to be of a different ethnic background).
Reading the paragraph above you may be thinking that I'm complaining about the expectations I've listed. Setting aside the obvious amount of hyperbole, I take these expectations very seriously. I would say I take them a little too seriously, and in part I think it's because I'm a first-time mom but mostly it's because I don't want Daphne to look at me in 25 years and say "Mom, how could you?". I don't want the guilt of knowing that there was better out there for Daphne and I just chose to ignore it. And when I say better, I'm not saying it from an economical standpoint, I'm saying it from the standpoint of someone who is informed vs. someone who could be informed but isn't.
My mom didn't know better and I'm not sure that she could have. She was a new immigrant to Canada. She had three kids in three years and she worked full time (as did my dad). My parents didn't have the money to send us to daycare or enroll us in fancy sports or activities. My mom didn't have the internet to look up the nutritional info on food (the Canadian government didn't even label food the way it does now until 2003). My mom was told to formula feed us by her doctors. When she was in labour with my oldest brother, she was given an epidural without her consent. When we were born we were rushed to a nursery instead of being given the valuable skin-to-skin time that's essential for the emotional and physical nourishment of a newborn child. I could go on and on about the way me and my brothers were raised (and probably many of you reading this post) versus the way our children are being raised today and really, honestly I don't think we have the right to look at our parents and ask "How could you?". Why? Because our parents did what at the time was the equivalent to what we're doing right now: providing the best for our children.
The problem is that 'the best' for our children is so much different now. We have to accept that we're in midst of an obesity epidemic, that our cancer and depression rates are on the rise and that more and more children are being diagnosed with ADHD and diabetes than ever before. What's even worse is that we have the ability to turn all of this around simply by educating ourselves yet so many people choose not to. We live in an age of information. We can get answers to almost anything in an instant. Twenty years ago, a trip to the library and hours of research wouldn't yield the same results that someone can find in ten minutes of Google searching. We can no longer use the excuse 'but I didn't know' because we COULD have known if we wanted to. From birth to retirement and beyond, we have the ability to research to our heart's content and find information on almost anything we can think of. Yeah, we have to be smart about it; we can't just type 'how to raise a baby' in the search bar, click on the first link and call it a day. We have to learn how to use the resources available to us and know their benefits and limitations. We also have to accept that if we don't take the initiative with our children today that things will only get worse. I'm not writing this to scare you, I'm writing this because I truly believe that we can all make a difference. From avoiding nitrates in deli meats to using baby products that are safer for our children, we can make small changes that have a huge impact. Yes, the expectations upon us are great, but the reward will be even greater: happier, healthier children.
I guess there's a first for everything. Until last week I don't think I knew what a blog party was, and up until a minute ago I didn't know how to add a banner to my blog. So thanks, 5 minutes for Mom, I owe you one!
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| Daphne @ 10 months |
Thanks for stopping by and feel free to drop in as often as you'd like. I try to publish a post a week, but sometimes life (read: Daphne) gets in the way. If you have any suggestions on topics you'd like to have discussed or if you have any questions at all, please let me know.
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| Our little family, hanging out at Kits Beach in Vancouver. |
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