A long time ago, 4 years to be exact, my friend Lisa gave birth to twin boys. Since then we've had a lot of telephone conversations, and for almost all of them I've asked her the same three questions: 'How are the boys?' 'Have you had a chance to shower?' (I always found it funny that she had hours on end to talk on the phone with me, but a shower was simply out of the question...now that I'm a mom I totally understand!) and my personal favourite 'Are they sleeping through the night yet?' For the latter she would always begrudgingly answer 'No.' You see, she has two awesome little boys who sleep very well at night, but at some point in the night they wake up and want to sleep in her bed. For years I hounded her about her 'problem' and tried to convince her to take a week to just let them cry it out. I would explain that they'd all be the better for it and that even though it hurt it would be worth it in the end. She would humour me and come up with excuses for why she hadn't tried crying it out yet, but by the end of the conversation she'd say something like 'Just wait until you have kids, you act like you're all strong and tough but you're going to be even more of a softy than I am! Letting your baby cry it out is a lot harder than you think.' Well, she was right. The thought of ever letting Daphne cry for more than a minute or two is unbearable to me. Maybe it's because she cried so much during her first few months that I'm trying to even out the playing field or maybe it's like Lisa said, I'm a softy. Regardless, I am positive that I will never support this method for infants (toddlers are a whole other story, and once I have one I'll let you know where I stand).
Sleep training methods are everywhere, I'm sure they are a multi-million dollar industry (if not more). And regardless of what they promise, there is no one method that works for every baby -- period. That being said, I would like to point out that we live in Canada, a country that supports a 50 week combined maternity and parental leave. And even though we live in Canada, for some reason we choose to educate ourselves by reading literature targeted at the United States, the only country in the western world that doesn't mandate parental leave. I don't know about you but this makes no sense to me. Most people in the States get 12 weeks of unpaid leave (some get less!) and as you mothers out there who have babies who are 12 weeks or older know, there are very few babies out there who have a consistent sleep schedule at that age. How then, can one go back to work and leave their baby with a sitter or in daycare feeling confident that their baby will get the sleep he or she needs? Moreover, where will will they find the time to properly sleep train their baby while working full time? My guess is by employing a myriad of sleep training solutions that involve varying degrees of the cry-it-out (CIO) method. Sadly, for mothers in the States, the CIO method is one of the only viable methods out there.
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| Daphne and I on the day she was born. |
Let's just say that after crying on my shoulder for an hour and forty-five minutes one night, and waking up every second I put Carter down to sleep, that I figured there was no way he would cry that long on his own. And you know, he didn't. By consoling him to sleep - I wasn't helping, I was just keeping him awake!
ReplyDeleteBut there's so much I could write about watching for when he wants to go to sleep etc, that really has nothing to do with CIO, but sometimes he does cry for a minute or two. Maybe even 10. But it sure feels much less painful as a parent, than nearly 2 hours of crying!! It was terrible for him. Having Mom or Dad around is apparently too exciting, and he really doesn't want to fall asleep when I'm there!
OH, I guess I should mention that he was already easily falling asleep on his own for naps, and was fed and warm and all that stuff, and I felt "old enough" because he was just mad I was leaving the room, but wouldn't sleep if I was there! And I'm NOT talking about a newborn, that's just crazy.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, Eve. I never let Charlotte cry for longer than it took me to go to the washroom. I always figured whatever I was doing instead wasn't as important as her feeling secure. By 8 or 9 months, she stopped crying ever and slept 12 hours with a good 2 or 3 hour nap each day - and still does! (It doesn't count as bragging when she didn't sleep at all until then, right?) ;)
ReplyDeleteChiming in again. The funny thing was that I WAS totally against it. I never let Carter cry, and for the most part, he's not too good at it. We ARE uncomfortable with crying for a human reason, and babies shouldn't be left to cry when they have a need. But when there is no need, and you figure out that baby is just getting overtired because you are still in the room? Well, you just go with it! Weird as it sounds.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Eve. No offense taken here...I am unapologetically anti-CIO. I can see the "temptation" by parents to sleep train, especially when you feel like you are never going to sleep again, but as I look at Duncan (who was up every 2-3 hours until 17 months, so I know what I am talking about!), I know that tending to his needs has paid off, big time! Everyone that knows him talks about how independent, happy and loving he is. (I think the average person would probably be shocked if I said that he slept in our bed until 2 1/2 ...cribs are dust collectors here....and never cried it out.)
ReplyDeleteI have recently befriended a retired kindergarten teacher who loves reading up on child development studies. A recent one had two groups of kids, one who had parents pro-CIO, the other anti-CIO. At the age of five, each group was shown a picture of a parent walking away from a slightly distraught child. The kids of the anti-CIO group offered suggestions like, give him a hug/a teddy bear, your mommy/daddy will come back and other words of compassion. The other group had NOTHING to say. If it can manifest itself by the age of five, what does their future hold?
Just my 2 cents:) Sorry for the ramble...the CIO topic is near and dear to my heart!
Gail, I totally get what you're saying. Sometimes Daphne needs to cry, with or without us. Like when she's learning something new, she'll cry until she gets it, but you can tell it's not a sad cry or a cry letting us know she needs anything. As everyone says, you know your baby best, and for Carter it sounds like he needs to unwind by crying a bit before falling asleep. That's not the same as putting your baby in the crib and letting them cry for hours until they finally become despondent and give up on the thought of you ever coming in to see them.
ReplyDeleteKatie, you're not bragging, you're just proud! I hope that Daphne will follow Charlotte's suit, but I won't hold my breath!
Andrea, I read that article too. It's pretty crazy that the anti-CIO kids were able to empathize more than the CIO kids. I guess the real test will be to see if our anti-CIO kids show the same amount of empathy when they're five! Fingers crossed.